Because He Loves Me - #2

Toward the very end of December every year, right after the wonder (and business!) of Christmas, I always look forward to regrouping. Does anyone else with three under-the-age-of-seven, (plus two energized cousins), hyped up on sugar and too much stimulation under one roof for three+ days, feel the same? Organizing all the stuff, I mean blessings, cleaning out clutter, reflecting and getting my heart prepared for the new year are at the top of my to do list (and I do mean a literal list!). However, this year was unique. My sister-in-law got married January 11th. Yes, 17 days after Christmas. Being the procrastinator I am, (or maybe just the over-ambitious, holiday-inspired person that I am), I had a list of things to finish after Christmas and before the big day. That list included, sewing three ties, making five little girl hair bows, altering and hemming my bridesmaid dress, finding childcare for my three littles for the entire morning of the wedding which was to be held in a far away city mind you, and then doing all the laundry and packing. On top of this, it was winter break, so all my children were at home... My head was spinning.

Where I really wanted to be was sitting with my journal, soaking in all the reflections from 2019 and planning new goals for 2020. It seemed like everyone around me was able to do this, except for me. The enemy was taunting me and I’m ashamed to say, I let him. However, God is good and has surrounded me with faithful, praying people. I let my people know that I was struggling to find peace and patience, and God being the loving Father He is, met me where I was. There, sitting on the couch side table was a little book called, “Jesus Calling.” I honestly have no idea how it got off the shelf from the other room and onto that little table (I blame my children... or God?). He was literally beckoning me to open it (have you seen the picture on the front cover of Jesus’s hand reaching out?!) I opened it to wherever my fingers fell, and would you even believe that the exact page I opened up to began with “I am the Prince of Peace.” A tear rolled down my face because I knew I needed His peace. I was a wasteland, emptied of all rest. As I read on, I was reminded that if I focused on Him even within my storm, I would be able to stay grounded and experience His Presence and His Peace. Just as in the eye of a tornado... there is a perfectly peaceful core. That’s where I needed to be. I realized then that he allowed me to rival in my mess because He was patiently waiting for me to ask for His steading hand.

My sweet husband just a short time after this offered to take my two Crazies out for a bit so I could get some things done while my youngest napped. Acts of service like this bless me so much, and he knows it. : ) Once the kids were out and the house was quiet,

I turned on some worship music (Audrey Assad to be exact), and was driven to my knees in tears as the song “Restless” came on. The chorus says, “And I’m restless, I’m restless, ‘til I rest in you, Oh God.” This truth flooded me. I felt His presence fall upon my restless heart and it filled me up. He poured His amazing love upon me which energized, motivated and redeemed my tiresome perspective.

Over the course of the next week and a half, I got all the things done (and on time too)! The wedding on the 11th was so perfect and blessed me more than I thought it could. Not only did the bride and groom seem as happy as ever, but all the child care plans came through, I got to spend some quality time with an old friend (whose house we crashed), and I was completely blessed to watch my husband seek the Lord for wisdom in officiating his first wedding (for his sister!). He nailed it! If you know him, he’s not the real “serious-type,” which made this endeavor nerve wracking and optimistically ambiguous for us all... But he has got a heart of gold underneath all the silliness, and I couldn’t be any more proud of him!

As I reflect on all this, I realize that all that stress could have been avoided. However, this is life, right? We live, we learn, and at times, we have to repeat a lesson because it didn’t stick the first time. Thankfully, our God is okay with that. He met me, and pulled me off the path of self-pity, where nothing but chaos and grief would have emerged... because He loves me. He won’t bulldoze His way in though. He waits for us to reach for His open hand. I hope this lesson sticks, but I am grateful for the opportunity to see and feel His grace.