Relying On Him - #3

“Reliance,” he whispered as my heart was open but my eyes were closed. A feeling of shock and doubt washed over me after I opened my eyes. I had asked God for guidance for the new year; for a word to help focus my thoughts. And He answered! Why was I surprised that He would? God has talked to me in the past. Sometimes in very clear words, but most other times, within a feeling. I guess that’s what I was expecting. These feelings are difficult to explain, but the feeling almost always results in confidence and peace that I normally wouldn’t have.

You see, I have struggled with confidence since I was young, so when I experience a glimmer of it, I remember it well. Some of the words that more deeply express the incompetence I felt much of my life are ‘inadequate’, ‘ineffective’, ‘naive’, ‘timid’ and ‘fearful’. I don’t know why I allowed these characteristics to define me for so long. I know now though, that they are lies. Lies that I held onto because I believed they brought me comfort in some twisted way. As I walk into the future, after so much revelation from my loving Father, I have seen that these were lies that the enemy of my soul spoke over me, for fear that I would one day see my true potential. I still struggle to let them go at times. However after being shown and believing the truth about who I really am, I am determined to become who God has created me to be.

God says that I am his child (John 1:12). He says that I was bought (1 Cor. 6:20) and have freedom because of it to exercise the character traits that the Spirit has given to all those who walk with Christ. Those gifts include characteristics such as ‘loving’, ‘joyful’, ‘faithful’, ‘gentle,’ ‘patient’, ‘kind’ (Gal. 5:22-23). While I can easily laugh at identifying myself right now with some of those traits, I know that God has given me the ability to occupy them and make them a part of my self identity. He encourages me to do so, so that I can walk a complete, and full life (Col 2:10), not letting traps or lies stop me.

Even still, I sometimes get so focused on how I appear to others. It’s like a little voice in my head that says, “Don’t say too much, or they won’t like you.” “Don’t get too close, or they will hurt you.” I’ve thought over the years that if I just smile and nod, I’ll be safe from pain, and will appear to be all put together. “Just look good on the outside,” I’d tell myself. However, I’ve seen others do this and I realize now, how foolish they actually look when they pretend to be someone they’re not. Identity isn’t what others think of you, it stems from the inside; what you truly are.

As a child, I trudged my way through all the lies (as well as the truths that God faithfully reminded me of), and found some answers that gave me hope. My friendship with Jesus as well as a few healthy relationships I’ve had with family over the years, have really helped to iron out a lot of the hurdles that stood in my way to finding my true identity. However as an adult, there were still a lot of issues to be addressed. I learned to cope with some of them, using the “smile and nod” method, as well as the “fake it til you make it” approach. Thankfully, God graciously allowed some of this to develop a bit more confidence in me over time. With every God-given leadership opportunity, and with every step I chose to take in faith, I felt a little more confident in my ability to speak up. Through the prayers, questioning and through the building faith inside of me, God graciously took away so much fear.

This growing confidence mixed with my oldest child syndrome, developed a sometimes-not-so-pretty controlling side of me. Only showing this side to the ones that I felt most comfortable with, I learned to make it work for me. I knew what I wanted and fought to get it. In my early years, this under-developed characteristic served me well. I didn’t have to fight very hard, as much of what I wanted to achieve growing up fell in line with all the rules. I am a rule follower... I like to please others and I avoid conflict at all costs. I mean, I seriously ran away from even the slightest hint of trouble! As an adult however, God has had me face some seriously difficult circumstances. I believe He’s done so in order to help me learn how to face “the troubles of this life” with the confidence (and heart!) He was growing in me (John 16:33).

I’ve had some hard lessons learning how to use the confidence He’s given me with grace. While it is an answer to prayer, it has also become a stumbling block at times. I find myself making plans and letting God know how it’s going to be. I spend hours and weeks dreaming about a goal and putting everything in line to make it happen, but when it doesn’t, I beat myself up and allow myself to be angry with God. Can you tell this was a lesson I learned a while back? My new(er) found confidence makes me rely on myself instead of on the author and bestower of my gift. I have learned that in order to use my gifting to its fullest, I need to consult my owners manual and truly take time to learn how to use it. I am learning that it is a bit more complex than I once thought it was. That in itself, is another gift... something to make me rely on God.

Cue the word, “reliance.” God so lovingly reminds me to remember to use His strength and not to rely on my own. That is where I will find disappointment. He wants me to learn from the mistakes I’ve already made, not from new ones I’m heading towards. I am thankful that He answered my call for guidance and constantly is giving me the reminders I need to succeed. He always does. It’s been a slow process turning each negative character trait into a God-given one, but God in His kindness, has gently shown me and given me the ability over the years to do this. He models each trait so well, and urges me to trade them in, one by one. So as I enter 2020, He wants to remind me that I cannot achieve any of the big dreams that He has given me on my own. I need to cling to Him as I figure out how to fully rely on Him with this next stage of my writing career... That might result in a whole different blog post!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil." -Proverbs 3:5-7