The Unwanted Gift - #6

For a while now, God has been trying to give me a gift. He wrapped it in such an obscure way however, I didn’t notice it at first. He set it on the doorstep of my heart and rung the doorbell a few times to remind me that it was still there... unopened. In his patience, He did this gently for about three years. He waited-- just waited calmly for me to open it. He didn’t walk away with it because He knew it was a good gift.

Have you ever put together a thoughtful gift for someone and just couldn’t wait for them to open it? You took time imagining their reaction and how they’d like it, which only built excitement in you, (Like me the week before Christmas!). Imagine carefully crafting the packaging and putting it in that persons hands, only to watch them put it back down and say, “No thank you. I don’t know what it is, so I don’t want it.” That’s what I did to God. He formulated a personalized gift for me and wrapped in the shape of self-discipline. Because of it’s ambiguity, I ignored it. Looking back from my current perspective though, I see what a precious gift it truly was.

I have been so negligent and unorganized in my life over the last 10 years. I had a lot of really great things going for me but eventually, some of those things unexpectedly became unstable. The surprises of life had me in over my head... moving, losing babies, job losses, etc. I had learned how to rely on God for strength to get through, but my muscles were weak. I know God saw this and wanted to strengthen me. So He gave me this gift --- but I didn’t want it. One of the reasons was because I knew that accepting this gift meant having to give up a lot of things that I highly admired; like my morning sleep, my freedom to react to annoyances however I felt like it, and my ability to take charge of an idea and run with it at my own pace (as long as it was after 11am and my morning coffee). He kindly pointed out His disapproval in these areas over time. While I had intervals where I got better at some, I didn’t stick to anything so I lost any and all momentum. It was disappointing. I ended up shrugging it off and saying to myself, “Eh, it was good while it lasted.”

However, the call to fix these issues remained. God knew I needed some guidance in finding a solution. Self Discipline means “The ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.” I didn’t think I was ready for that. But God did.

I’m realizing that within this one gift, there are actually multiple gifts hidden inside of it. You know, like the Russian nesting dolls? The depth of His gift seems never-ending, as I am still opening the layers. Underneath the initial wrapping paper, (for the element of surprise of course), I found a book at my friends house called, “Dare To Discipline Yourself” by Dail E. Galloway. The title grabbed me even amidst my apprehension, because I knew I needed some discipline in my life (see my blog entitled 'Because He Loves Me' - I was spinning out of control). God had been preparing me for this moment... this moment of choice: To pick up the book, take the opportunity it (actually He!) invited me to, or to walk away and ignore it. God’s conviction was thick though, so thankfully I was able to make the right choice to pick up the book (And yes of course I asked to borrow it first... sheesh, what kind of undisciplined person do you think I am?!) and step out in faith that He would help me.

Rewind about 8 months ago to last summer when another good out-of-state friend of mine and I had the chance to reconnect. I had some quality time with her which resulted in me spilling my guts about so many things I had been struggling with (that’s what good friends are for, right?). After our time together, she texted me and told me God had led her heart to a few specific scriptures she would be praying over me. One of them was,

For God gave us not a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-discipline.

- 2 Tim. 1:7

This was another reason why the conviction was strong, I suppose. I put this verse up on my wall so that I would see it often. I didn’t think about how God might make it tangible for me, however I knew I needed to shake some of the fear that I was holding onto in my life. So the fear part is what I focused on. Fast-forward to this very moment, as I sit yet again in my oversized striped chair and reflect on God’s incredible plans for me. I’m seeing now that God was hearing my friends prayers and used this verse to show me that He wants to gift me with 1. Power 2. Love and 3. Self-Discipline. From the outside, those three things seem like three separate gifts. While they are indeed three individual qualities, I’ve found that they are actually all wrapped up together... one within the heart of the other. Three gifts, in one. I think it depends on God’s all-knowing ability to see which one needs to be opened up first in our respective lives, but He will eventually reveal each gift before us if we would just receive and open the first one He presents. Once I chose to do the work and open His initial gift, I found that the rest of them just kept coming.

The area that self-discipline was initially practiced at this time, revolved around my sleep. There are several areas of my life that need some serious correcting, but oversleeping was the most palpable one. I am the biggest sleepyhead... always have been. Over time I have settled with accepting it as part of my personality. That sounds laughable, doesn’t it? But honestly, I would say that I saw it as a flaw I had to live with.

I recently came across the definition of ‘sleepyhead’ (which is kind of silly to look up, but I did because, Hi!, I love words!). It made me realize why God wanted to extract that ‘part of me’. Sleepyhead literally means, “a sleepy or inattentive person.” My oversleeping effected many unacceptable repercussions that didn’t only affect me, as I told myself was the extent of it. It made me slow moving in the morning, on edge and inattentive. Which is exactly what the Word tells us NOT to be (1 Thess. 5:6). I would sleep in to the very last second, while my kids woke up long before me. I had settled for routines that “worked” but didn’t benefit any one of us. For example, letting my four and six year old wake up before me and turn on the tv (with boundaries of course) or color “until I got up,” thus doing away with any accountability or opportunity for peaceful morning routines. While taking hold of every possible moment of sleep, I was giving up more than I realized. I was Miss Grumpy Pants as soon as I rolled out of bed and then put everyone in ‘rush mode’ from the moment I was awake ‘til the moment I dropped my oldest off at school (which most of the time was late!). It wasn’t fun or good for anyone. At first, I knew this wasn’t a good thing. But over time I had accepted it as “the normal” and therefore allowed these bad habits to stay in place.

I’m realizing the parallel here between choosing to be self disciplined or choosing to let bad habits take over our lives. Just as inviting one of God’s good gifts into our lives will lead to an array of other good gifts, so is true for one bad habit... accepting and opening one bad habit, in turn opens up a whole slew of other bad habits that will eventually dominate all the good ones. Once I saw how many ‘Tardies’ my daughter had on her attendance report, and how often I found myself apologizing to my kids for the same grumpy behavior, I realized this bad habit needed to be kicked, once and for all.

So I committed to waking up early to meet with the Lord and practice my writing, (hence the new blog...). The first and second day my alarm went off, I failed miserably! The third day, I managed to wake up a bit earlier than my kids, which was a victory in itself! With every day that I set my alarm early, I found it easier and easier to get up! I’m not going to lie, it was HARD for some time. I’m about a month into this routine now, and I am finding such joy and accomplishment in setting my coffee maker the night before, and actually getting out of bed early to enjoy my HOT coffee, within peace and quiet! Mornings are just so full of grace... I just never noticed before because I. Was. Sleeping. It’s now my goal and joy to get up to at least an hour of peace, before my ears are filled with much more than the sounds of the ticking clock or the keys of my keyboard.

The book I found at my sweet friend’s house helped to guide me on this journey to self-discipline. I know God put it in my path on purpose. One of the key points that has stuck out the most from it has been, “Choose the lesser to gain the greater.” This encouragement is based on 1 Cor. 9:24-27:

 “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.”

I realized what was actually happening as I chose to wake up BEFORE MY CHILDREN each day:

I am giving up sleeping in (the lesser reward),

to start out my day in peace (the greater reward).

I am giving up pushing snooze an extra time, (the lesser reward)

to develop a patient heart in hopes of being a kinder mommy in the mornings (the greater reward).

I am giving up the warmth of my blankets (the lesser reward),

to drink my hot coffee in peace (the greater reward).

I am giving up my physical comfort, (the lesser reward),

to find focus, purpose and direction from God to start out each day (the greater reward).

I am giving up my own will, (the lesser reward),

to practice my passion of writing in hopes of reaching a dream (the greater reward).

In addition to the list of greater rewards above, I would include a growth in my faith and personal friendship with Jesus, a clearer understanding of what His voice sounds like in my life, a deeper calling to do His work, an awakening of what gifts He has planted in me, and the most surprising of all, a joy for waking up early! All of these obtain the three gifts that 2 Tim 1:7 says that God has given us... power, love and self-discipline.

I have experienced the sweetness of my God in these morning meetings, and it has indeed been an incredible gift. I am filled with gratitude that God was patient with me and have decided that I am never turning back to my ‘sleepyhead’ days. I choose the greater! I would encourage you to as well!

20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

-Ephesians 3:20-21